I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
