I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
