Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
