I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Houston, we have a blender
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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