we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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