It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
