Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
