what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
