Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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