I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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