Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
