She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
