i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm eating all of the evidence.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So. Much. Porn.
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