I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
