Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
