so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
