No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
