I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
