I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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