Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
