if you like me you must not know who I am
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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