Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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