Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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