You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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