my shit smells like andre
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
