whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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