i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
