I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sext me about skeletons
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
