Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
