She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
