my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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