Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
