My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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