my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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