Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
