My liver just broke up with me...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
