I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
