Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
now i know why i became what i already was.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
