It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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