I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize