It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
