if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
