You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
