Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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