I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
