I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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