mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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