so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
