dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
