I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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