All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sorry my hands just texted you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
