mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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