he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
