Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
