I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
