I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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