Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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