i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
