Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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