I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
