Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
