the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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